


Elias Gets Dunked On

by TheEvilSnuffleupagus



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, basically just an elaborate shitpost, elias gets dunked on by everyone, post-s4, stoner elias
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23520052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheEvilSnuffleupagus/pseuds/TheEvilSnuffleupagus
Summary: Another batch of tapes arrives at the safehouse. The contents are not what Jon was expecting.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 166





	Elias Gets Dunked On

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place somewhere around season 5 episode 1. The parts in the safehouse are written like normal, and the parts that are the tape recordings are written like the TMA transcripts.

Jon stared at the box of tapes lying atop the kitchen counter. He hadn’t put those there. He hadn’t received any deliveries either (and very much doubted he could, considering the state of the world outside). As far as he could tell, the tapes had simply materialized into the safehouse. He picked one up. Though he feared what they could contain, he knew he had to find out why these tapes in particular had been summoned to him. He put it into his recorder with a familiar clatter and pressed play. 

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

ELIAS: I have had enough of this. We’re getting another divorce.

PETER: I’m the physical embodiment of loneliness, Elias. You can’t expect me to reply to your texts every day. Especially when they hardly resemble any human language.

ELIAS: What are you talking about.

PETER: Let’s see. [CLEARS THROAT] "Hello my beloved significant other heart emoji heart emoji would you like to come over and look at my pipe heart emoji heart emoji that is not a metaphor for my penis I have an extremely bloody pipe in my home that I have killed somebody with and I thought you might appreciate it knife emoji please respond to one of the forty seven texts I've sent you asap heart emoji Siri send tweet". Really, Elias, would it kill you to use some punctuation?

ELIAS: I wasn’t born in the era of cellular communication; you can hardly expect me to be adept on my first attempt.

PETER: I wouldn’t call it a first attempt when you send me around sixty messages a day. I mean, what is this? “Peter this is Elias Bouchard head of the Magnus Institute also known as your beloved husband eye emoji eye emoji eye emoji I’m just texting to say stop ignoring me you rat bastard rat emoji knife emoji rat emoji boat emoji thumbs down emoji Siri send text send the fucking text Siri I am not in the mood for this right now I swear to the eye Siri send text Siri send text Siri send text”. Just look at yourself. I think we can both agree that I’m not the “rat bastard” in this relationship.

ELIAS: DIVORCE. NOW.

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]

Jon groaned. He had figured the tapes might contain some important information, but now he was far more confused than he had been before. Jonah and Peter had been married? How would this be relevant, now that Peter was dead? Perhaps the tapes had no purpose at all; perhaps it was just another way for Jonah to mess with him. Nevertheless, he played the next tape.

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

ELIAS: ---quite unfortunate, but I’m afraid you have the wrong number. For the third time, I ask that you call---ah, Melanie. And Tim. As you can see, I’m in the middle of a phone call.

MELANIE: I don’t care.

[RECEIVER CLICKS]

ELIAS: It wasn’t an important call anyways. I see you’ve brought another knife. Haven’t I made my point---

MELANIE: I’m not here to kill you. I won’t even hurt you. But you are going to suffer.

ELIAS: Melanie. Where did you find that.

MELANIE: That’s none of your concern.

TIM: We found it in the break room after you were done doing whatever heinous crimes you do in there with Peter Lukas. And, you know what? The terrible vibes I’ve been poisoned with after entering that place will be all worth it to see Melanie finally destroy your shitty fucking weed tie.

ELIAS: Are you FILMING this?

TIM: Obviously. I’m sending it to Daisy and Basira.

MELANIE: And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for!

ELIAS: Melanie, don’t---

[FABRIC BEING SHREDDED]

ELIAS: Why are you doing this?

MELANIE: Because I hate you! Why do you have a weed patterned tie? Do you even smoke weed? I bet you don’t even know how. I bet you just eat it like a fucking hamster. 

TIM: And you know what? I figured you had more of these at home. So while your spooky eye powers were distracted with some spooky institute business, we got a certain cop to search your home, and look what we found!

[BACKPACK THUDS TO GROUND, IS UNZIPPED]

[LIGHTER FLICKS ON]

ELIAS: Step away from the bag. Step away---Tim? Tim?? TIM, NO---

[FIRE WOOSHES, TAPE CLICKS OFF]

Huh. Jon had been wondering why the institute head had stopped wearing his horrendous weed-patterned ties to work. He gave a soft chuckle as he imagined Tim setting fire to the entire collection, which then faded into the usual ache of grief. He missed him. Before he could reflect any further, he inserted the next tape.

[TAPE CLICKS ON]

ELIAS: I assume you all know why I’ve called you to my office.

BASIRA: Actually, we don’t.

ELIAS: I’ve just received an email from HR. Apparently, their new anonymous feedback box has been overflowing with complaints regarding my workplace practices.

BASIRA: Maybe you need to learn how to take some constructive criticism.

ELIAS: I would hardly call this constructive. Shall I read off a few examples? “Elias Bouchard is the most disgusting, rancid, swagless, balding, tech-illiterate boomer to ever disgrace this institute”. This is clearly not accurate, as you can see that I have a full head of hair.

TIM: Sorry about that, what I meant to say was that I can feel myself go bald every time I look at you.

ELIAS: “Having to work for this nasty little man is the worst pain I have ever endured, and I say this as someone who’s almost been eaten by worms.” Did Tim write all of these?

BASIRA: Keep going.

ELIAS: “Elias Bouchard is both gay and homophobic and if I have to pretend to be his divorce lawyer one more time because he’s been blacklisted from every actual lawyer in the country, I am going to flip my lid.” Noted. Next time, I’ll ask Martin to fill in.

MARTIN: What? I don’t---

ELIAS: Speaking of Martin, “One time I tried to make him a cup of tea and he took out the teabag, swallowed it, and looked me in the eyes while pouring the actual tea down the drain. I have never been so frightened in the past week.”

MARTIN: Well, yeah, it was a little disturbing! And, honestly, I was a little offended.

ELIAS: I was simply trying to express that I would not be accepting any beverages made by institute employees. Just a precaution, after Melanie tried to poison me. 

MELANIE: Read the rest of the feedback, coward.

ELIAS: This one just says “whore”. 

MELANIE: Am I wrong? 

ELIAS: It was put into the box almost a hundred times.

MELANIE: Again, am I wrong?

[CHAIR SCRAPING AGAINST GROUND]

ELIAS: Who put that tape recorder up there? This is unacceptable, I’m the only one who’s allowed to rec---

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]

As the tape ended, a door appeared in the middle of the room, and a familiar fuckhanded humanoid walked out. “I see you’ve listened to the tapes I brought you,” she said.  
“Helen?” Jon asked, “What are you doing here?”  
“I found a few tapes hidden away in Elias’s office, in a box labelled ‘epic fails: hide at all costs’. I figured you’d need some tapes to feed off of, so I brought them here.” Helen replied. “We could all use a few laughs during this time.”  
“That was… kind of you.” Jon said. He decided not to mention that rather than laughing, he had been struggling to decipher the purpose of the tapes. Or the fact that he didn’t think he even had the ability to laugh at this point.  
“Here’s a few more.” Helen dropped a fuckhandful of tapes onto the kitchen table. “Another divorce, and two verbal standoffs with Gertrude.”  
“Thank you,” Jon responded. “Can you tell me what’s happened to everyone else? Daisy? Basira? Any of them?”  
“You’re going to have to step out of this house to find out, Archivist.” And then she was gone, the doorway vanishing as she walked through.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeahh I didn't really know how to end this. In this household we hate Elias Bouchard and his shitty Onceler vibes. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
